I usually don’t post to the internet, but this is just too important. I set up this website as it may just help others in my position, and there really needs to be more research done on this subject.
What follows below is a journal of my progress & experiments in Psychedelic Therapy. I’ll update this post as I make further progress.
TL;DR: I fixed my brain! I removed many aspects of autism, can now understand emotions & social interaction, eliminated depression, and now actually have a future.
Read below! Or skip to the List of changes!
I’m a 20-something guy with Aspergers Syndrome. I can’t leave the house alone, I feel totally lost and freeze up in social situations, I often glitch and get stuck on my words when trying to talk, and I literally can’t function around unknown people or in busy places without help. My life kinda sucks.
However, I can fix and repair most computers, build complicated electronics projects, absorb an entire service manual in one reading, solve problems logically, and remember the layout of every building I’ve ever been in, but I can’t even answer the phone or go and buy my own food.
I’m intelligent enough to realize these issues which have basically ruined my life, and now I’ve had enough. There’s literally no reason why I cannot do these things except for my own mind getting in the way and worrying/over-thinking everything & causing so much stress.
Something has to change.
I’m going to fix this bullshit, or die trying.
2016 was a shit year for everyone, myself included. I had to move house (twice), had a difficult break-up from my first ever boyfriend, and ended a large project I’d run for almost a decade (all within a 2-month period). This was the lowest point of my life. I couldn’t possibly see how it could get better, and thought about just ending it then and there.
I did not.
Since 2016, I’ve been suffering from depression, lack of energy and sleep, and lack of motivation (on top of the autism), but I refuse to take any kinds of pharmaceuticals as they come with extensive lists of side-effects often worse than the very thing they’re supposed to help with.
All these issues are in the mind, and the mind is what has to fix them, not mask the symptoms with pills in the way that air fresheners mask bad odors, and especially not trying to hide from and ignore the issues for as long as I have done.
A little history
I’ve always been interested in different ways of thinking, as standard relaxation methods just don’t work for me due to my logical mind over-thinking everything, and waiting for something to happen until it doesn’t. Or maybe its just autism, who knows..
I’ve tried the following, but with little success:
- Flotation tanks – Nice, but no effect
- Massage (standard and erotic) – Nice, but no effect
- Neruofeedback – No effect
- Various breathing techniques – No effect
- Mindfulness – Impossible for me
- Terabytes of porn – Time waster
I literally need something that shuts down my mind instead of a mere distraction. Or at least, something that reduces the processing level without conscious thought.
Only two things have ever done this for me. One was a device called a vacbed, which, for the last 6 years or so, was the main focus of my life. Trying to get into a vacbed again or, more accurately, finding someone to use my two vacbeds with, and not having to think or worry for a few hours. So far I’ve not been able to use it since I discovered it 🙁
Since 2012 I’ve also spent 99% of my limited budget on latex fetish gear, wetsuits, and inflatable bondage devices in the quest to seek this state of zero stress, with very little progress.
I now know that this was a more roundabout, less direct method to what I found below..
The Third Option
At this point, I was between a life stuck on anti-depressants, or death. I did not want either of these. I want a life where I look forward to waking up in the morning, not one where I waste my days on YouTube, alone, at a computer.
At the beginning of 2017 I discovered the existence of psychedelics (shows how little contact I have with the outside world..), and I quickly became obsessed with reading other people’s reports of using them, articles on psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) & depression, and what little there is, on people with autism using things like mushrooms or LSD to reduce or totally erase the issues they’ve been facing all their lives. I decided I had to find out what it could do for me. I had nothing left to lose.
So last week I went to Amsterdam.
I can’t even go out alone, yet I went to a foreign county to stay in a strange new place and eat some plants.
Trip #1. Testing testing..
One morning, I took a small ~8g dose of Psilocybe Atlantis truffles, made as a tea. What followed was one of the best experiences of my life.
I spent about 5 hours giggling (so much so that my face muscles started to ache in the end), and lecturing the camera about politics/life/YouTube/magnets/CRT monitors/or whatever else popped into my head at the time.
There were absolutely ZERO negative thoughts at all during the event. The constant over-thinking and feelings of being shit/broken/useless/inferior to other people were literally gone for about 4 hours (I even suggested going out to get some lunch, though never left the couch), and my assistant also noticed things that I did not, such as, for the first time in my life, I was able to look directly at another person, if only for a few seconds.
All too soon the effects wore off and I was back to how I was before, though now I had a plan.
This first test was only a small dose to see if psychedelics were something I could even stand. As it turns out, not only can I tolerate it (I actually really enjoyed it!), but it was one of the least stressful events of my life.
I’m now planning more trips. First a 15g “medium” dose to compare, then I’m going all-out Heroic Dose to try and achieve the so-called “ego death”, which is, as far as I’ve been able to work out, where you literally lose connection with reality entirely and your brain kind of “reboots” so to speak.
The description of that alone appeals to me so much, it sounds like a more intense version of what the vacbed does, where most senses are removed. (EDIT: I was right!!)
I guess its like Marmite, you either love it or hate it. I have a theory that bad trips are caused by people trying to hold on to reality, which is why it can go so wrong for people who don’t like that idea of not being in control.
To me it just sounds like something I have to do. As to why? I guess I’ll find out.
…Three weeks later…
Trip #2. Medium dose.
This time with 15g of Atlantis truffles.
It came up a lot faster this time, within 15 minutes or so, and again started with giggles and laughter, which continued for most of the event. (I’d not laughed as much in my life!)
It didn’t *seem* too much more intense than the previous trip, though I did notice (and was told) the following:
- I was able to speak my mind a hell of lot easier (But some things I still got stuck on).
- I was able to make actual eye contact for the first time in my life, and for more than just a few seconds! – Though the ability to do so ended with the trip.
- All feelings of shittyness and depression were GONE for another 5 hours, though they did return later, as I knew they would.
- Everything felt amplified – I noticed some nice changes to sound/light/touch.
Some hours after the trip had ended; I was sitting on the couch with friends and had a sort of emotional overload. I got stuck on my words a lot and felt really fucking bad. This has happened at other times in my life exactly the same, nothing to do with the psilocybin, though I imagine that’s what bought it all up.
I was able to work through it and talk about the issues and problems, and it was another 100% positive experience overall.
Now comes the real work.
In the next trip I will attempt to achieve the ego death. 45g Hollandia, in the dark, with no distractions. That should do it.
I fully expect this to not be in any way pleasant, but the only way to get past these issues is to face them and to fucking destroy them.
I just hope that my brain isn’t of the type that psilocybin just won’t help (EDIT: It wasn’t!). I have much more testing to do but so far its been the best thing I’ve ever done.
Time will tell.
…One week later…
Trip #3. Heroic Dose.
Time to get some real work done.
I made a tea of 45g of Hollandia truffles (supposedly stronger than Atlantis ones I had last time), and sat down on the couch ready to drink it.
Something physically blocked me. I could barely move the cup to my mouth, it was like something inside was preventing me from doing it, the same exact thing that blocks my words and makes me freeze up in social situations.
I managed to override it, and with huge effort drank the foul tea.
I then sat back and waited.
Nothing much happened for a while. Open-eye visuals (EDIT: I’ve had almost no closed-eye visuals, at any dose) and a few giggles, but nothing very “big”, considering the amount I took.
After some time though, I noticed that all logical thought, the constant thought process, and all stress and worry were entirely gone. In fact even looking up words from long-term memory was hard to do (resulted in giggles), and at some point I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and memory. None of this bothered me though; it was all kind of nice.
I still don’t think I experienced “ego loss” or anything like reality/sense of self ceasing to exist, but what happened was better than I could ever have imagined:
It started as I was listening to the Chicken Run soundtrack at about ~120 mins into the trip.
Then something strange began to happen.
I started to literally feel the music instead of just hearing it. Like, I could detect the emotion behind it all.
This has never happened before and was a totally new thing for me. Usually music either has a good tune or it doesn’t..
When the soundtrack ended, another song, Warning Call by CHVRCHES came on and I felt more emotion than I’ve ever felt before in my life.
I was almost overloaded. I tried to tell my assistant but was getting stuck on words and getting quite stressed. They noticed and came over and sat down on the couch beside me.
The moment they did this, my internal brain filter that’s always running literally shut itself down, and seconds later more than a decade’s worth of emotions, troubles, hidden feelings, and bullshit all came out at once.
The next few hours were very intense, impossible to describe, emotional, but in no way bad. It was a huge release of everything. The entire trip was more “feeling” than “thinking”. No giggly funny times here.
I felt a huge amount of a feeling I’ve never had before. It was a sort of warm, nice, comforting feeling, like how I imagine cats must feel when in someone’s lap.
The closest I can describe it to is like laying in bed next to a boyfriend while he strokes my hair sort of thing.
Over the next 2 hours, with its help, and only with its help, was I able to talk through everything that had been stuck in my head for so long, and many more things that were totally new to me.
I know I wouldn’t have been able to do all this without the mushrooms’ help, even if logic was turned off by any other means. I needed that feeling more than I can ever explain in words.
After everything had been said (The trip had been about ~4 hours), I felt it slowly begin to leave me, and tried to sit up on the couch – it was about 1AM.
I drank some milk, and then stood up. I was covered in sweat, tears, and blocked nose, but I felt SO MUCH more energy at that point than ever I’d felt for years.
So then we went out to get some chips! Sadly everywhere was closed and we ended up coming back home, eating a huge bowl of mash potato, and talking about the trip and my life in huge detail until about 5:30AM. Many things were worked out during this time. Talking before & after the trip is essential!
The next day I woke up very early (without an alarm) even though I only got about ~4 hours sleep, yet I still had tons of energy throughout the day!
Then we went to a pub for lunch.
That alone would have been literally impossible prior to this.
The following things have changed in the 1 week since the trip:
- I can now do natural non-forced eye contact with anyone
- I now know more than ever before what I’m looking for in a relationship, my specific role in the relationship, and why previous ones had all failed.
- I don’t glitch or get stuck on my words nearly as much – And don’t care when it happens!
- Stress and worry are greatly reduced – I was even able to use the phone today without help!
- I called the waiter over and asked for a 2nd portion of chips!
- I could also talk to the barman and dynamically generate conversation about the food and payment, without freezing, or even feeling shit or that I might fuck it up!
- And didn’t mind waiting for others to finish their meal before we went home
- The constant headache I’ve had since 2016 has finally GONE!
- And I can sleep quite a bit better, I’m waking up at ~9:00AM even without an alarm
- Today I went into a shop alone to speak with the manager (an old friend) – Usually I need help with this sort of social event
- A few days later I walked into another store to post a parcel, buy a chocolate bar, and not give a shit!
- Oh and I talked to about 6 people at once at a friend’s company
- Tonight I looked at myself in the mirror and, for the first time ever, didn’t hate what I saw.
I am literally not making this up.
I just can’t get over how positively I’ve changed in only a few days; I only hope it stays this way! (EDIT: It did!)
I’ll definitely be exploring my mind further in future trips, to find out what other abilities remain locked and unknown to me. I think the term is Psychonaut.
The mushrooms have helped me more in 8 hours than anything else in my whole life ever has.
They showed me that I could do social skills, and how to understand emotions for the first time.
The ability was there all along, I just needed to see it. By shutting out the logical mind and its constant chatter and endless worrying, the real emotional side of my brain was able to take control for the first time.
EDIT (T+1.5 WEEKS):
Okay this is strange. Here are my results from the Aspie Quiz I took in February this year:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 101 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 104 of 200 You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits
And here are the results for that same test taken 2 days ago:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 46 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 157 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
And again after 1 month:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 38 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 157 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
EDIT (T+2 WEEKS):
I went to the yearly radio rally. This has always been a very stressful event for someone like me as you can imagine.
I needn’t have worried though, my assistant and I noticed the following changes despite only 3 hours sleep AND hayfever:
- Massive improvements in self-confidence
- Conversation flow is natural. Entirely. With anyone. No more scripting
- Understanding of humor / making & understanding jokes
- Natural tone of voice & eye contact with everyone
- Understanding of sarcasm
- Responding to spontaneous conversation naturally without stress
- Improved posture – No longer staring at the floor
- Able to make offers, chat with stall holders, and talk to everyone – Even a group of Germans who complemented my wagon!
- Attracting attention, Confidently!
- Lack of proximity to assistance, I was walking between stalls alone
- Negotiating through crowds didn’t bother me
- No more faking anything or trying to be someone I’m not
- Able to interrupt people (Appropriate for the situation, not in a bad way)
- Able to walk into a Mc Donald’s and, for the first time in my life, order my own damn food!
- And not go and eat in the car. The noise level doesn’t bother me anymore
- Depression eliminated.
- I even prepared a microdose of mushroom tea that day, but I never drank it. I knew it wasn’t needed!
All of this got WAY easier at the end of the day than at the beginning. All that’s missing now is experience. I can now easily learn social protocol over time.
Before all this I literally had no concept of the emotional side of my brain, and all attempts to learn social skills just didn’t make any sense. 7 years of trying and I got nowhere except more depressed that I couldn’t do such simple things.
How times have changed 🙂
EDIT (T+3 WEEKS):
I took a non-planned call today, and didn’t freeze or fuck it up! I also made a call myself to Amazon customer service too!
I’ve also been having a ludicrous clearout over the past few days. Anything I’m not personally going to use or sell has got to go. I’ve never felt this way before, usually I collect loads of stuff as it “might be useful some day”, but now I know I’ll never use it, and never want to.
So far there’s a 5ft mountain of junk piled up in my garden!
EDIT (T+3.5 WEEKS):
I just took a test for Reading the Mind in the Eyes, and got a score just below average, whereas before I wouldn’t have even picked up on anything. Oh and way above the average for Asperger’s.
EDIT (T+4 WEEKS):
Trip #4. The chat.
I decided to have another trip, to see what else I could discover about myself.
Same dose as last time, 45g Hollandia, but this time I also took 200mg of Syrian Rue extract (considered a ludicrous dose by most people), having heard it can increase the power of the mushrooms. (EDIT: It also makes your pee glow for days!)
It came up fast like before, and the warm nice feeling that happened last time was there too. I discovered my own identity, more so than ever before, in about 5 minutes.
There was a brief emotional event for all of about 7 minutes near the start, but it was in no way bad, just emotional. I then I spent the next 7 hours talking non-stop with my assistant about life, mushrooms, depression, emotions, how the brain works, their work, and everything else! It was one of the most useful chats we’ve ever had. Oddly I’ve always been able to talk perfectly while tripping.
Everyone I’ve spoken to since just can’t get over how much better I am compared to 4 weeks ago!
Just today in fact I went out to a Mc Donald’s, took a friend’s order, then walked right in and BOUGHT MY OWN FOOD (and theirs!), then returned to the car!
I then went shopping afterwards and asked people in the store where to find items, completed the check-out and everything all ON MY OWN (despite ambient noise and chaos), then came home and told my mother. She couldn’t believe it!
There was no stress whatsoever!
EDIT (T+7 WEEKS):
Trip 5. Music. (Monstrous dose Psilohuasca)
I’d been feeling a bit shitty over the past week or so, I was slipping back into old routines without realizing it, and not making any progress. I decided to have another trip and see what it brought up. They seem to “reset” me back to a good state.
This time I took 500mg of Syrian Rue extract (ludicrous), then an hour later, 65g of truffles (a few times higher than the Heroic Dose..). Yes sixty five.
I’ve no idea what that equals in equivalent dried mushrooms, but this trip was totally different, in a really good way!
There aren’t enough words to ever describe what happened that night. It was ENTIRELY feelings and emotions, logical thinking ceased to function within a few minutes.
Music was everything, it was in some way driving the whole experience. Reality/mood/feelings literally changed with the music. There were times when I was overcome with tears, laughter, and a feeling of just being there. There were times where I was literally feeling all possible emotions at once, I was seeing sound, hearing colors, and then the playlist ended and…Nothing.
At all. Absolute nothing.
I felt things start to fade out. Reality, vision, physical input, myself..
Literally there was an experience happening, but I wasn’t a part of it.
My ego shut down. I was nothing. For how long I’ve got no idea, time was nothing, concepts of words meant nothing, everything & nothing were the same at this point. The whole trip was never unpleasant in any way.
I restarted the playlist again and, for the next few hours, it was like seeing myself in 3rd person, watching a movie of how my future life should be, all to an AWESOME 80’s soundtrack!
Different scenes were playing, mostly involving a partner. There was one of us sitting in a car on a cliff overlooking Los Angeles, listening to The Midnight and FM-84 together as the huge orange sun went down behind the city and the camera pulled away.
Another of seeing myself on a poster with a sort of 60’s blast of red, orange and purple accents and a massive feeling of “I’M NOT SHIT!“, yet another of seeing powerful guitar chords, actually orange and purple, radiating out of the taillights of a DeLorean as it blasted past. It really was like watching a movie internally, but I wasn’t the one doing the watching. It was AWESOME!
My sense-of-self came back online over the next hour or so, and I saw myself from an angle that I never knew existed. I know that I’m not shit, I’ve just had a lot of shit happen, and missed out on a lot of things most humans learn from childhood. Mostly emotions & physical contact.
I know that I can fix my life, but I just can’t get there alone.
I now know that without help and external input & reminders, things will fade away and go back to the old shitty routine. I need to make sure that THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I want to start a fresh life, not to wallow in my computer-obsessed past or try to hold onto old ways.
I was sorting boxes of old graphics cards today, into piles of “good” or “recycle” and then it hit me. Why do I need ANY graphics cards except the one in my PC? why do I need 6 PC’s? why does anyone? Computers are tools, not a life.
The first thing I need to do is change my environment and get rid of all this computer rubbish. 14 cassette decks & VCRs, 62 dead laptops etc. I never want to any of that junk ever again.
I’m making my living room into an actual living room instead of a workshop. It needs beanbags and loads of color-changing lights!
Then I’m going to burn the computer desk & 15 years’ worth of PC magazines. That’ll feel good!
Life is about people, and if you’re not connecting with people at this emotional level, you’re just wasting it & doing it wrong.
Especially not just hoarding money then dying, or fixing their stuff all day.
I didn’t know this for so long. Even the 45g was tiny compared to what happened last night.
It was never a bad experience, just a HOLY CRAP INTENSE one. I can see now why some people would absolutely hate what I went through, but I like it. It just goes well with my mind 🙂
EDIT (T+10 WEEKS):
Trip 6. Death. (WTF dose Psilohuasca)
I was recently reading a study about emotions and mushrooms, and as I read past a list of things that can come up during the trip I read a line about fear, I then felt very shitty inside which persisted for 3 weeks until this trip.
I knew full well what would happen this time, going into the trip expecting to confront fear can never be a nice thing for anyone, but I had to prove to myself that I could. Not many people could ever do this I think.
As a quote I found said: “Don’t run from your fear. Face that Hell and nothing will ever scare you again”.
So I took 500mg + 450mg Rue extract over the course of two hours, then 108g of truffles in one go. Seriously, NEVER TAKE THIS MUCH unless you absolutely know what you’re getting yourself into! It started to come up within 10 minutes, this was nothing like mushrooms had ever been before. I now know exactly what they mean by the “purge”, I threw up, hard, which has never happened to me in the last decade, and while tripping this is an absolutely bloody awful feeling due to the senses being amplified and mashed together.
I felt like I was literally going to die. No joke. It was bloody real as far as I was concerned. I thought I had been poisoned (probably because of the puking). At one point I actually wanted death. It was the worst most intense experience of my life, but not technically a “bad trip”, I know that I needed it.
Something in me knew I could face this.
This lasted for about ~3 hours (with effects until about ~10 hours). I know most people wouldn’t have been able to handle even a tiny fraction of the intensity of what happened. No human would consciously choose to ever experience this, but then I guess I’m not most people.
1 week after this trip, I now know what I did wrong, and what I’ve learned:
- Throwing up instantly sent the trip in the wrong direction (I was not prepared for puke)
- I should have read my own notes about Rue tea
- I really should have lay down and closed my eyes. This is the only way to beat the “death” – fighting it makes it more real than it actually is
- I didn’t make a good enough playlist this time 🙁
- I should have expected it would be death if fear was the objective
- I now know what friends are really for (this is important)
- (Not sure if relevant?) I’m much less ticklish since, for some reason
I’ll try another emotional release trip like #5 soon, I hated being interrupted mid music-listening by throwing up all over.
A month or so after that, I’ll try again and do this one properly – though this time with a barf bucket on standby.
However, my personality type seems to have shifted yet again:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 29 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 163 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
EDIT (T+12 WEEKS):
Trip 7. Anger.
After the events of last time, I set the intention to “What’s holding me back in life?”, and went into this one hoping for a nice 80’s future happiness trip. A chance to release built-up emotions.
Turns out the mind doesn’t work that way.
I prepared a tea of the same dose as the last good trip (65g, with 500mg Rue extract), but I had huge difficulty drinking it this time, more so than ever before. (I should have known at this point that it wouldn’t work..) It took me half an hour and all I could manage was two sips (half the cup, about ~30g or so). I then sat down, put on the best playlist of all time, and waited.
Nothing happened. I didn’t feel anything except slight nausea and a rather heavy feeling in my stomach. No trip ever happened. I was listening to the most emotional music ever, but there weren’t any tears or “release” of emotion that these trips usually cause. Instead I felt pissed off.
Pissed off beyond belief. At myself.
This has never happened before, I’ve been angry at others, objects, politics etc, but never myself. This is the worst kind, as there’s no one else to blame but yourself 🙁
The rest of the evening was basically an emotional release, but not in the direction I was intending. It was a release of anger, in its truest form.
I now know why this happened. My brain basically said “Nope, you’ve got unfinished business here. No nice 80’s music trippy time for you!”. It gave me a very strong reminder of what was still left to fix, then brought it right back up, in a less intense way than before.
I was stupid to think that I could just have another enjoyable trip while I’ve still not fixed this fear issue.
It looks like I can’t take big amounts of mushrooms ever again unless its to resolve this issue once and for all.
I may have to go to an Ayahuasca ceremony after all..
Something this deep and well-hidden needs some serious work, and guidance, and I don’t think mushrooms are going to get me there. Or at least, sensible doses of mushrooms aren’t.
I’ll update this page as I find out more..
EDIT (T+14 WEEKS):
Trip 8. What trip?
I thought I’d try and replicate the 1st laughter trip with a friend and see how that goes. Only 10g like the very first one.
For me, nothing ever happened except a slight heavy feeling. No laughter, no emotional event, no visuals, nothing any different from boring old reality.
He had a few interesting visuals, but only for 15 mins or so. Not much else happened. However, we worked out that I will in fact be a very good guide in the future.
When we were debating his mind and I was countering his depression-fueled reasoning with logic and common sense, when he said “how are you so good at this!”. I’m not sure but I think having gone through all of this myself, I can now understand what he must be experiencing, which makes me able to help. I don’t consciously do this though, it comes automatically during the moment.
However, I do think that those truffles might have been crap. They were the same batch I took 2 weeks previous where they didn’t do much either. Oh well.
The Fourth Option..
Well it looks like everything has come full-circle.
In 2 weeks I’m going to a private guided Ayahuasca ceremony in the Netherlands. I’ve read that this stuff can heal the mind like nothing else.
This will, I’m sure, be the worst night of my life (both physically and mentally), followed by hopefully the best. 25 years of suppressed emotional bollocks is enough for anyone, let alone someone who’s only had emotional ability for 3 months.
I know I can’t live my life while I can’t even initiate conversations with my own friends because of fear of screwing something up 🙁
This fear has got to go.
EDIT (T+15 WEEKS):
I just went swimming with a friend yesterday, which has never happened before (just me and them, no external support). There was no stress and everything went well! We went to a restaurant after and I ordered everything myself, I even went up to the counter to get a 2nd portion. My friend was actually finding it more stressful than me in that environment.
I was helping him with things, being his support, which is something I’ve literally never even had the concept of. There doesn’t seem to be anything else worth doing with my future except helping others. That’s quite a big jump from an introverted isolated life of PC repair where I couldn’t even answer the phone..
EDIT (T+17 WEEKS):
Trip 9 & 10. Life. (Ayahuasca, Mushrooms)
So I went back to Amsterdam, this time to drink Ayahuasca. Let me tell you that it really does not taste nice.
It was like brown paint, mixed with sand and sediment. It took me about an hour to work up enough energy to drink that little cup. My hand was shaking. I had the 2nd worst “oh shit” moment of my life after I’d drunk it, a feeling of “what the hell have I just done”.
I then lay down, closed my eyes, listened to the music, and waited for something to happen..
There weren’t many visual effects, a few squares and a lot of ambient green everywhere with my eyes closed and a strange pattern overlayed onto reality, but its internal effects were beyond anything I could ever expect. Again.
It wasn’t until the day after the trip that I noticed something didn’t feel quite “right”, like an ambient feeling of wrongness. I was able to work out after a few hours’ chat that it was something to do with relationships, but couldn’t get any further.
So that night, since I was in Amsterdam, I took 15g of truffles to see what they would do.
The trip was very mild, but after a while I had an “oh, dammit, that’s so simple!” moment and worked out that the strange wrong feeling was in fact because I wasn’t gay after all! I’m not straight either though, I’m attracted to their personality, not their gender. So a 3rd option indeed. In retrospect this is so obvious, looking back at previous relationship criteria..
I also overcame a very big thing that I usually wait forever to happen but never does. This time I myself went and did the doing, and did it very well.
Once the trip had ended, we all had a very long & deep chat into the early hours of the morning, and I was able to help a friend through a difficult time. Something I couldn’t ever do before.
I know for sure this time that I’ll be a very very good guide.
A day after the trip, we were sitting on a bench near Amsterdam Centraal, and I fancied a diet coke. I asked my assistant and they said “why not go and get one?”, so I did. I walked through the city, crossed several tram lines and roads, walked into a foreign Mc Donald’s and ordered lunch for the both of us, then walked back, all by myself. The only stress was that I might drop the two drinks, more than any external factors like the busyness or the hundreds of people etc.
List of changes in only 4 days since the trip:
- No sensory overload whatsoever, at any time
- I’m much more confident, I was able to navigate the city without any stress
- Being squashed on the tram, at rush hour, in the rain, with no space didn’t bother me
- I can now read emotions perfectly. Facial expression, body language, non-verbal communication etc. I can detect hidden feelings, masked emotions, logic trying to override feelings, and I’m now “exceptionally good at social skills”, as my assistant put it 🙂
- I now understand flirting ♥
- I’m much better able to initiate things (messages, conversations, doing stuff etc)
- I can help people with their own issues easier than my own
- I’ve confirmed that I literally don’t need any routine or plans anymore
- I’m able to use social constructs naturally. I suggested delaying the flight & making up rubbish to tell my mother so we could spend longer in Amsterdam!
I now know that I’ve not yet fixed my life, but I *have* fixed my brain, which is needed to have the life in the first place. This is why I’ve been so stuck in the same old useless routine forever, even since mushrooms.
But not any more.
I’ve got to go and get my own life, not wait for others to start it for me.
A lot happened in Amsterdam..
EDIT (T+18 WEEKS):
Trip 11. Flirty
So today’s event was to help a friend through their mushroom experience, being their guide & support. I’d planned to take the same dose (2g mushrooms), however emotional stuff from someone else came up and I knew I wasn’t in the correct mindset to take any myself.
I helped them through their experience, and afterwards they’d planned to smoke some weed and relax during the ending of the trip.
I smoked too much weed.
This is a new thing for me as before Amsterdam I couldn’t even stand the smell of the stuff, let alone smoke it. It was very very amusing for all involved.
I wanted to see what it would do for me, as it seems to be very popular in Amsterdam, and so I just kept going and going, and at one point I took the mouthpiece off the pipe as it was blocking the flow rate..
According to friends present, I was very stoned. However I felt much more like myself during that state than I do when sober.
I stood up and walked across the room, but then suddenly felt very shitty. I couldn’t identify what was causing it, so I lay back down on the couch and closed my eyes. I reached a state very similar to mushrooms where reality was there only as a reminder.
I could consciously choose to lose contact with my body and literally steer my thought process into any direction, and indeed stop it entirely.
After a few minutes, I worked out what was causing it. I discovered two more emotions I literally didn’t have concepts for previously: lust & desire
Here’s what happened:
- I was able to start conversation about anything, with no trouble at all
- All filters, brain blocks, and attempts at self-censorship were blown to pieces
- A lot of flirting happened!
- I discovered masturbation 😀
- ..And discussed it at great length!
- I was able to talk through all of my friends’ problems and work out everything for them. Perfectly.
- I only wish I could have gone to sleep next to them 🙁
EDIT (T+19 WEEKS):
So last night I helped my friend through another mushroom experience. I then saw them to bed and made sure everything was okay. As I was walking out of the room, me and my assistant got chatting about life. We discussed what to do next now that I’ve fixed my brain, and I realized that I’m basically still doing the same old rubbish as I used to do.
Sure I’ve changed my brain beyond all expectations, cleared out a lot of PC junk, and got a giant bean bag, but I’m still stuck in this flat.
Existing, sure, but not living 🙁
I know that if I don’t go out and get my own life, it will simply never begin.
The last trip gave me the ability to be more “doing”, more confident, not so afraid of screwing everything up. It gave me everything I need to tackle this *next* challenge. And this will be a big one.
Each trip has built up on the previous ones, often quite spectacularly in retrospect:
- #1, Testing – Showed me that psychedelics were something that would probably fit me quite well.
- #2, Testing – Confirmed that theory, laughter all round for hours.
- #3, Heroic – Life-changing event, gave me emotional ability.
- #4, Chatty – Got closure on previous relationships, and knew this stuff would help others.
- #5, Music – Showed me that I wasn’t shit, showed me what my future life could be, made me aware of music.
- #6, Death – Showed me what I had to do to get that life, made me aware of friendship.
- #7, Anger – Showed me life isn’t as easy as a good playlist.
- #8, What trip – Showed me that small doses just won’t do it.
- #9, Fear – Overcame fear, made me more able to “do” instead of “wait for”.
- #10, Life – Made me realize I was doing relationships wrong all this time
- #11, Flirty – Made me able to change focus on demand, steer the trip, understand & interpret my subconscious
The next challenge is to begin my new life, and move out of this place. Probably leave England and move to Amsterdam (or the Netherlands) permanently.
I can’t live in England forever if my ideal job is to help people with Psychedelic Therapy (which is still illegal here, blame politics).
I’ve also got much more of a chance of finding a compatible partner in Amsterdam than I ever have in the middle of nowhere here in England..
3 day weekend.
I recently went away with a friend for the weekend to spend a few days swimming at different pools and getting away from home for a while.
Due to 9 different traffic accidents that closed and blocked up various roads, we arrived late & stressed. My friend was finding it somewhat difficult for a lot of the time, and I helped them out as best I could.
Trying to do this weekend a few months ago would have just been a continuous overload and impossibly stressful, however the only stress was where to sleep and my friend’s friend picking up someone else to join in who then also didn’t have anywhere to sleep.
It was also the only time I’ve really had to rely on myself, and not expect anything from anyone else. I know that I can be good support for people, but it takes its toll and depletes my energy after a few days.
Like so many things, life is about balance. People need time to reset, relax, and just be.
I also confirmed that the environment one is in makes all the difference. The place we stayed at was way too dark (*again* no bloody light bulbs), and rather dirty & messy.
Set and Setting don’t just apply to psychedelics, life is the biggest trip after all.
Make it a good one!
Me and two friends went to a live music performance in London!
It was very loud, hot, dark, crowded, and nearly everyone was drinking. I simply couldn’t have handled any of that situation before mushrooms.
The music was awesome, but sadly I couldn’t feel the emotion properly because of internal logical filters and bullshit (lack of being) that I know I need to work on. However, we met the band and I managed to get a signed album cover, a shirt, and cheesy selfie!
We left very late at about 3:00 in the morning, chatted in the car for a while, went to Mc Donalds (the only place open at 4:30AM), then went home. When we arrived back, I had a huge wave of negative shittyness and bad feelings out of nowhere. I now know that this was because this flat is so lonely and boring that any positive energy generated by say a good event gets cancelled out and dropped to below baseline when I go back home.
We then had a very deep chat and stayed up far too late into the early hours of the morning. At 8:00AM I just said screw it, put on FM-84’s Atlas album and smoked some weed to see if it would help me relax.
It did, although it was my friend who had the most benefit. They had an emotional release not unlike when I took mushrooms, and said that the music was what did it, just like it did for me. I helped them discuss their whole life and worked out their problems non-stop all throughout the early morning, the next day, and the late evening. We were up for over 40 hours without sleep.
It turns out they’ve got almost exactly the same problems as I had. Mainly lack of confidence, overloaded, not sure what to do next, and depression.
As someone who’s (almost) beaten these same issues, I know exactly what to do.
..So yet again we leave for Amsterdam in a few weeks. This time to fix their mind (and a few more aspects of mine too)
Read more observations on the Cannabis trip reports page!
There NEEDS TO BE more research on the subject of psychedelics and autism. If they helped me so much, I know they can help others too.
If you have any questions you can contact me via Twitter @realXeroxAlto